I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
