i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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