I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
