WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
