the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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