My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
