so explain again why im purple
no
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize