Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
