he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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