i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
