Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
