my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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