I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
