One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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