literally had 100 drinks last night.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
