You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize