Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
