Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
