We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
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