i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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