the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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