That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
How's work?
Spinning.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
