She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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