dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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