yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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