Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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