Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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