Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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