I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
