The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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