Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
