Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
