I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
