Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
