just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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