wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
