i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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