the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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