Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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