and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
