I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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