it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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