remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
