Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Princesses don't give blow jobs
two words: eviction party
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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