she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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