Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
