happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
