i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I understand Curling. That high.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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