Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
