call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
