i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
