apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
