Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
