It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
