Princesses don't give blow jobs
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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