Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
