his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
