Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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